Feelings....

I have had a hard time here lately with my feelings...I want so badly to be happy for all of my friends that are expecting, but it has been extremely hard. Yes- I am excited for them, but it sucks, because I'm supposed to be pregnant, too. I'm not and that sucks. Last night we went to a wedding and it was extremely hard because everyone I saw was pregnant-- including one of our good friends who just had a baby and found out she is expecting again. I am happy for her, but then I start questioning myself and God- "Why not me?" I know there is a reason I'm not pregnant and that everything happens for a reason, I just wish I knew why!!! It is so frustrating. I have given it over to God, but the human part of me is still questioning why it happened. Are we not supposed to have any more children? Is Janie Ann supposed to be an only child?

Because I had the chemo-type shot I had to start using BC again so that I would not become pregnant, again, because the medicine could cause problems for up to 3 months after the shot, which is why I have started questioning myself.... I love Janie Ann with all my heart- I want her to be able to get whatever she wants (although she doesn't need to!), but I also want her to know the love of a sibling- I want her to know what it is like to love her brother/sister, to one day possibly have nieces and nephews, someone to talk to when she doesn't want to talk to mom and dad, someone to share secrets with, someone to sleep with her on Christmas Eve when they are both too excited because Santa Claus is coming to see them.... I know that I want to have another child- but did this happen to show me that I don't need another child?? I don't think I could possibly go through what I went through- again- it scares me. Badly. I don't want to know the joy of expecting and the heartbreak of finding out it wasn't meant to be. I am scared it will happen again. Seth and I were extremely lucky to not have any fertility issues with Janie Ann- I couldn't imagine having to go through fertility for years upon years-- I pray for those women and while I have always tried to be careful of what I say to couples (about having children- because you never know what personal problems they are having that could possibly be preventing them from having children)...anyways I am actually feeling better now that I have "blogged" about it. Please pray for Seth and I (pray for Seth, extremely hard, because my hormones are still all messed up!!) as we pray and discuss what the plans for the future hold- while we don't know right now- HE knows and pray that we listen to Him.